


his touch on my skin (is all i can feel)

by Roxinnaxu



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton is a Good Friend, Asexual Character, Asexual James Madison, Dubious Consent, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, No Smut, Self-Hatred, Vomiting, rly briefly, sex being used as self-harm, why is that not a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roxinnaxu/pseuds/Roxinnaxu
Summary: James Madison doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.The very idea of sex disgusts him, scares him, makes him nauseous, makes him itch, but sex is everywhere and James just wants to be normal normal normal, and maybe he can practice sex, maybe he can fix himself.(No smut)





	his touch on my skin (is all i can feel)

**Author's Note:**

> The warnings are:  
> Sex as a form of self-harm (it's implied for the most part, though Alex thinks of it as self-harm)  
> Brief implied suicidal thoughts  
> Internalized acephobia and thinking of oneself as broken  
> Non-graphic vomiting  
> Drinking

James Madison doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

The very idea of sex disgusts him, scares him, makes him nauseous, makes him itch, but sex is the nectar of humankind, the requirement of life that everyone puts on such a high pedestal and James just wants to be normal normal normal so he hooks up with his friend and roommate on a drunk night because he knows Alexander is going through a lot and he lets Alex fuck him into the mattress and moan John's name and maybe James could get used to this, it doesn’t feel that bad it doesn’t (it does oh god it does).

He spends the next morning retching into the toilet and Alex’s touch still burns on his skin and his mind is whirling and going into all kinds of bad places but at the same time there's this weird sense of triumph because he did it, goddamnit, he did it and maybe he can learn to be normal normal normal maybe it will stop feeling like his insides are trying to claw their way out trough his throat and maybe it will stop turning his mind into a hurricane every time someone mentions sex and eyes him hungrily. What a dream would that be, to be able to be like others, to be able to be normal, that sounds so good and James will get there, he will.

It becomes a thing, Alex and him, and James has never liked the taste of alcohol but now he drinks every night (because if he is more drunk it should be more fun, right, people have sex all the time while drunk, James knows at least four different scandals that started when someone cheated on someone else while drunk) and when he’s done drinking he lets Alex take him to bed and every morning he vomits into the toilet and pretends it felt even slightly better than the first time.

(And James isn't sure if he's trying to teach himself to be normal or punish himself for not being normal but does it matter because it feels horrible all the same and James hates himself all the same.)

And then a week and half into this Alex is on the phone for two hours and then comes out of his room looking all guilty and admits that maybe him dealing with his post-breakup feelings this way isn't healthy and James’ world shatters in a mixture of terror and relief because on one hand now he doesn’t have to feel those touches on his skin anymore, doesn’t have to feel that awful feeling of someone being too close, touching him in places no one should touch him, but on the other hand maybe he could have gotten used to it, maybe he could have done it until it felt natural and good, but now he doesn’t even have the chance to be normal normal normal.

He almost breaks down crying and Alex asks him what's wrong and touches his shoulder lightly and James flinches back because he can still feel Alex on his skin and hear Alex’s breath in his ears and his stomach churns and he fights down nausea.

Alex steps back and looks so sad and betrayed and James does break down then and explains everything in between sobs he tries to keep down and gasps of air he desperately needs and he watches as the mixture of guilt and disgust and horror sets into Alex's eyes and they are silent for a long time, the only sound being James’ pathetic gasps, and then Alex says James, I love you, but if you ever again use me as a way of hurting yourself I cannot forgive you, and James mutters a string of apologies each one more desperate than the last and he knows what he did was wrong, that he used Alex like no one should ever use someone else, but he just wanted so much to be normal normal normal because everywhere he looks at it’s just sex and James doesn’t know how to deal with that, can’t deal with him being broken when all the world around him says that he can never be a good person if he can’t have good sex and there’s something just so very wrong in him and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

He tells Alex as much but he can't bear to ask Alex to still be his friend because James doesn't know what to do if Alex says no and leaves because at this point James' life is a mess he isn't sure he can get out of alive if he's alone (he can’t bear to be alone right now because he has never been able to make good decisions in this kind of mindset but Alex is the only one who knows and James cannot call anyone else) and Alex's eyes soften a bit because of course he knows the unspoken question, he always does, he brain always goes faster than anyone else’s and he knows, and he sits next to James, careful not to touch, and just rambles on about everything that has happened to him lately and James cries until he feels all dry and empty and gross.

Alex makes green tea and places the cup in front of James and James drinks it all, lets it warm him from the inside, and after the cup is empty Alex carefully grabs his sleeve and leads him to a bed and James in a burst of courage asks if Alex could come to sleep next to him (the words to ask Alex to bed with him are on the tip of his tongue, and that disgusts him). Alex looks really sad and says that he thinks it wouldn't be good for either of them but maybe he could drag a mattress to the floor and sleep on that and James says okay.

They sleep through the night and even when nothing happened James still vomits in the morning and Alex looks pale and worried and horrified and asks if it has been like that every morning before and James looks away and doesn't answer and that gives Alex all the answer he needs. Alex doesn't say anything after that, just breathes really deep and goes to the kitchen to make breakfast. James has never been so grateful in his life and he tries to say that but ends up apologizing again and it's Alex's turn to look away and say nothing and James feels a little bit sick again. He ends up eating about a half of his breakfast (toast and eggs, they taste like nothing and James just can’t eat them because then he imagines them tasting like Alex.)

After they’ve eaten Alex sits him down on the couch and explains how dirty he feels after being used for something like that and James apologizes again and again and again and tries to comfort Alex by putting a hand on his shoulder (even though it still burns and he remembers some nights when he was not drunk enough (never never never drunk enough) and fights down the buzzing in his ears and the burning in his skin) and Alex looks sad again and asks if James really is comfortable doing that and James hesitates enough for Alex to remove his hand and softly ask for James to not hurt himself like this and then James tears up again and they sit on the couch, James crying tears he didn’t know he still had and Alex looking like he really wants to hug James but can’t.

After a few minutes Alex goes to make more tea and James hears him call Eliza and ask for advice with really vague descriptions of the situation and James is so grateful again because he feels filthy and disgusting enough without anyone else knowing and then Alex comes back and hands James a teacup with a picture of a black kitten on it and then they watch tv and Alex points out all the stupid decisions the characters in a tv drama make and James sips his tea, eyes still red and puffy.

They got through their day quietly, James writing an essay for his history class and Alex writing something with a great passion, in such a speed James fears for the poor laptop. At some point James get up to cook, discovers that most cupboards are empty and there’s only a few energy drinks and butter in the fridge, and goes to order some Thai takeout. They eat in silence from James’ part and rapid-fire talking from Alex’s part and James is once again filled with affection towards Alex, because he’s pretty sure if this was, for example, Thomas, things would have been really weird between them, but then again, Alex had always been good at adapting to new situations.

When the night falls, James almost goes for the bottle of whiskey before realizing that he shouldn’t do that. Alex notices, of course he does, and James can see the realization dawning on him before he quickly looks away. They get up and Alex quietly asks if James wants him to sleep on the mattress in his room again and James says, quietly enough, please and Alex settles down on the mattress.

He gets that sad look again and James almost says sorry but then he remembers that it isn’t helping anyone and instead whispers, thank you for being here with me, and Alex doesn’t reply, just smiles, and James feels kind of warm.

(The next day Alex shows James the word asexual and James’ whole world is on its head again because there is a word for him, there are other people like him, maybe he is normal normal normal. He tears up again, as if he hasn’t cried enough in these past few days, but this time it’s happy tears and Alex smiles and maybe they will be okay.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I got the idea for this late at night and wrote the whole thing down on my phone. After a lot of editing and rewriting it is finally ready. I hope that you enjoyed!
> 
> Now, go drink some water, if you feel hungry please eat something, and if it's past 1am put away your phone or laptop and go to sleep!
> 
> (I'm not a native English speaker, so if you notice any mistakes, please point them out so I can edit them! Thanks!)


End file.
